Category Archives: Babies

Buh-Bye Babyhood

Posted in Babies, Daughters, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

When I was pregnant I couldn’t wait for my babies to get here. It seemed to take for-ev-er. Then they were born, life fast forwarded four and a half years, and now they’re so grown up. The little one just turned three, and now she’s a full-blown miniature person, leaving her babyhood in the dust.

She’s hitting huge milestones back to back, and I guess that’s why it feels like this chapter is done. We just gave her a “big girl bed,” and she’s so in love with it. She asks me to come look at it no fewer than ten times a day. I’m only mildly bittersweet about it, I say, tears streaming down my face.

Parenthood is this weird limbo. You’re stuck between wanting to keep them your babies forever, and wanting them to grow up and leave the nest sooner than later. Believe me, I’m absolutely DONE having babies, and needing to care and nurture one, but I’m not done holding onto them as if it was the first time.

I’m ecstatic they’re gaining more independence, doing more for themselves because that means I don’t have to do every single little thing for them, although most of the time that’s exactly how it feels. Baby steps, I guess.

So adios, diapers! Arrivederci, crib! Au revoir, babyhood! It was fun while it lasted, not to mention life-changing in every way imaginable.

 

The Chachi Fairy Cometh

Posted in Babies, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

I finally did what I said I was going to do for ages now–get rid of the effing chachi (or pacifier for all you normal people out there). We kept finding excuses to put it off: we were going on vacation and couldn’t do that to the grandparents, or we were just too tired, or we were just too scared.

To tell the truth I was dreading it, even though I knew it had to happen! Everyone I talked to said it would take 3 days of screaming and I just couldn’t do that to myself. However, it was so much easier than I thought it would be! (Feel free to punch or throw something or throw a punch at me!)

Sure, the Chachi Fairy had to send her assistant racing to the nearest sporting goods store to purchase a scooter and something for the smaller one, and then she had to collect the 2 chachis and put them in their little pouch so the big one could place them in the tree in the front yard for pickup in the middle of the night.

And of course the chachis would become permanent stars in the sky so the girls could always see them at night. Daddy even went so far as to point out their Mama’s old chachi. Oh yeah, and she also had to wrap the presents and make little cards with glitter hearts so that by the time she was done, the house looked like Tinkerbell farted pixie dust everywhere! This all sounds so silly, but it freaking worked!

Chachi Fairy's Business Card

Chachi Fairy’s Business Card

Love, The Chachi Fairy

Love,
The Chachi Fairy

My wine glass and I were prepared for a sleepless week–a terrible, horrible, no-good very bad week. But on the first night, the little one slept straight through without a peep and we were shocked. She didn’t do that when she had the chachi! She usually woke up a couple times needing it put back in. The big one had a harder time obviously because she had the stupid thing for much longer, but after a couple days of asking about Chachi, she stopped and forgot about it.

So there you have it. All that time I could’ve thrown them away sooner and saved myself countless hours of searching for a goddamn pacifier!

I’m so excited that they’re gone–it feels like I’ve won some big important parenting award! The hubby is excited too, but he couldn’t part with them for sentimental reasons, or maybe it was because he wanted them as backup in case our plan didn’t work.

Maybe we’ll have them bronzed for posterity’s sake.

Success!

Success!

April Showers Bring May Babies

Posted in Babies, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

When it’s your first baby shower, (as with your first wedding) I remember wanting everything to be perfect. Like ripped from the pages of a magazine perfect. And what is the first impression that any of your guests will have?

The invitation, of course!

When you’re planning your wedding you have complete control over the invitation, but not so much when it comes to your baby shower because usually someone else is throwing it in your honor so you let them have creative control and hope that their taste level matches yours. I have champagne taste on a beer budget (and I’m not talking cheap champagne either), I’m talking Perrier Jouet taste.

Luckily my friends and family know me pretty well and threw the best parties complete with adorable invitations that are now treasured keepsakes in my daughter’s baby books. If you’re really worried about it, you can always send the hostess some examples of what you like and hope they get your subtle hint, or if you have bigger balls you can send them exactly what you want!

A very good friend is expecting her first child this coming summer and I’d love to return the favor of a beautiful baby shower (she’s thrown 2 for me!) so I’m already scouting for the perfect invitation. Also, she just found out it’s a boy so that helps narrow the search somewhat. Minted has some amazing baby shower invitations that I know she’d love. Here are just a few that caught my eye:

Vintage-inspired

Vintage-inspired

This is somewhat of a classic option. I love the font and the vintage feel it gives off. It would look great in the baby book for years to come.

Who Doesn't Love an Elephant?

I heart this little guy!

This one would make a great theme as it features the cutest little elephant and fun, cheery colors.

Cute Gallery Wall

Adorable

I love this one because it looks like a gallery wall and features the parents initials. There are other color options too!

Perfect!

I’ll Drink to That!

This one is perfect for those co-ed showers where our better halves are invited to hang out and drink beer amongst the festivities.

Sip & See

If you haven’t heard of a “Sip & See” then you’re really missing out! My mother-in-law has the best group of friends and threw a “Sip & See” for my second baby. You have the baby, wait a few weeks, then debut her at a party where you get to ‘sip’ champagne and they get to ‘see’ your baby i.e. pass her around while you stuff your face with delicious appetizers and cake pops. It’s all the rage these days! (At least if it’s your second or third child as you would never agree to this kind of party when it’s your first. But for any subsequent birth, you jump at the chance!) It’s a great option and just look at how cute that invitation is!

If you’re like me and love every single one you come across, pick a theme first then go from there!

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Mummy

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

If…

Your day is over before it even begins.

You forget to order ice in your iced coffee.

You think a complete meal is two animal crackers and a sip of watered down grape juice.

You haven’t gone to the bathroom by yourself in over a year.

You have more peanut butter on your clothes than your toddler does.

You shave your armpits twice because you can’t remember if you already did it or not.

You can’t remember the last time you moisturized…anything!

You want to punch that no-good Caillou in the face.

You think sleeping until 7 is a luxury (or sleeping at all, for that matter!).

You would sell your soul (or maybe your children) for a glass of wine and a bubble bath.

truth

WWAD? (What Would Audrey Do?)

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

My mother bought me a beautiful book about Audrey Hepburn written by her son. It’s called Audrey Hepburn: An Elegant Spirit. Since she’s my ultimate style icon, I can’t wait to read it. After quickly flipping through the book, I came across the sweetest picture of her holding her son when he was an itty bitty baby. She looked so peaceful and serene that I immediately felt unworthy of my children because I don’t know if there’s one photo of me holding my babes that looks as sweet.

On a typical day this is what we all look like:

angry bears

Let’s take a closer look. Yep, that’s one angry Mama Bear.

angry mama

Not very Audrey.

baby bear

And that’s one angry Toddler Bear. Throwing fits cause that’s what she do.

daddy bear

And panicked Daddy Bear with his “Oops I crapped my pants” look.

My days are far from perfect. Especially lately.

I imagine Audrey led a pretty perfect life. I mean, just look at her.

lovely

If she were a family of bears, this is what they would look like:

perfect

All happy and shit.

But to make myself feel better, I’m going to say that she had some rough days with her son. I bet she didn’t raise her voice like I do or want to strangle the bejeezus out of her toddler like I want to, but I bet she got frustrated and counted to ten while taking deep breaths or locked herself in the bathroom for a three minute escape.

Some days all that gets me through is thinking of this moment:

asleep

When we’re all asleep and I’m free to dream that I’m Holly Golightly wearing a glittery necklace eating a croissant in front of the Tiffany window instead of the grumpy Mama Bear that is my all-too-true reality.

sigh

sigh

 

Toddlers Are the Devil’s Spawn

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

devil child

This is the title that was orbiting my brain all day yesterday. Needless to say, it was a bad day.

But today is a great day! Mainly because my two-year-old is on her way to becoming potty-trained and (knock on wood) it’s been pretty painless so far!

Out of the blue, she told me she had to go pee so I put her on the toilet in my bathroom and she went! Like she had been doing it all her life. I freaked out, starting praising her up and down and spinning circles like a dog when he sees the treat jar. I was ecstatic! So I full-on committed to no diapers except at naptime and bedtime. Talk about scary! It’s like handling a hair-trigger grenade except when this one explodes it’s pee and poop.

Just fifteen minutes before this miraculous event, I was in the shower wishing I could spank the snot out of my little darling because she decided she needed to scream as loud and high-pitched as she could for no damn reason. Mind you, I’m trying to get in and out of the shower as quickly as possible while the little one is sound asleep and in the confines of her crib. It’s not enough that I set her up in my room with her favorite cartoon on, a cup of milk, and even crackers to keep her happy. I came barreling out of the shower, my blood boiling and informed my daughter that we don’t scream like that while her sister is sleeping…or ever. I wanted to pull out all of my hair and all of hers. Then she turned around a few minutes later and filled me with so much pride, erasing my anger.

While she’s not always easy to deal with or discipline, she’s been pretty good when it comes to everything else. So I guess I can’t really complain, but why stop what I’ve always been good at?

She took really well to her big girl bed, with moving, with having a sister and now learning to use the potty. All the major things. It’s just when she’s having her tenth meltdown of the day and I’m working with four hours of broken sleep and a demanding, whining 9-month-old that I start to wish I had a full-time job doing anything else.

Then I start thinking of all the things I’d be missing and it makes me sad. The way she and her sister chase each other, crawling around the kitchen island and their squeals of laughter. The way the big one will sit and read to us as if she’s the librarian at story hour. The way the little one looks at the big one like she knows she’s her sister already and loves every single thing about her. These are my favorite moments.

Why can’t these moments happen more than the blood-boiling moments? These are the moments that my mom says keep you going. And she’s totally right. Cause if it weren’t for these things, these two would be orphans by now.

Another milestone I would’ve missed: her first poopy in the potty. While this might not sound like something anyone would want to witness or remember, it made me giddy. Crazy, that you become a parent and another human being pooping in a plastic potty chair can make you elated. Now that’s jacked up!

At least I didn’t take a picture of it, like the hubby asked. I was too busy trying to make sure her baby sister didn’t grab ahold of it! But boy was I impressed!

What the Hell is a Virtue Anyway?

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

You know, it’s when something’s virtuous. Like that means anything to me. My life used to be words, but now my brain is complete mush and I couldn’t define the word virtue if my life depended on it. Kinda like Winona Ryder’s character in Reality Bites trying to define irony during her job interview. Irony…when something’s ironic. “I know it when I see it.”

One of my favs

One of my favs

So if patience is a virtue then I’m the least virtuous person ever. I’ve never had much patience and any shred that I might have left since becoming a mom is used up on my toddler by 9:30 am. I don’t even have enough patience to make it through the two minutes on my electric toothbrush. Who has that kind of time? I ask it every night.

When I’m standing in line at Target and the old lady in front of me buys four cases of Diet Coke and a package of Depends then stands and peruses her receipt as if she’s checking lottery numbers, I tap my foot and sigh as loud as possible not giving two shits that I sound like a jerk. I never did this before becoming a mummy. I used to politely smile and wait my turn, but I don’t have time for bullshit anymore people…I’ve got two screaming mimis at home and a family member who is doing me a favor so I can run out and get toilet paper in peace.

I wish I could be the laid-back relaxed mom who says “no worries” and actually means it. I’m the complete opposite. Everything is a worry and all you morons are in my way. I should get that tattooed on my forehead. Then when I’m driving 45 in a 25 or losing my cool waiting in some sort of line then everyone around me will know where I stand.

One time I was waiting in line to get gas and of course the gas station was packed with cars in each lane. My two ticking time bombs were strapped into their seats directly behind me, so I was on edge to begin with. I waited behind a lady in a truck who was taking a painfully long time. Finally after what seemed like ten hours (every minute is an hour in baby time…kinda like dog years) she was getting ready to leave but she didn’t pull away like any normal person, because she couldn’t, her truck wouldn’t start. Arrgh, so I wasted ten hours minutes waiting for nothing and then I’d have to wait another ten minutes before I could even fill up. So I sped off opting to go to another gas station five minutes down the road only to see it was shut down for a remodel. Such is the luck of a virtueless mummy!

Needless to say, I’m a work in progress.

Night & Day

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

I loved being the baby of the family and the only girl. It meant I could get away with murder while my brothers took the fall. Muahahaha!

There wasn’t anything wrong with being the third and final kid except when it came to baby pictures. There are three total.

I always thought I wanted a little sister, but now I’m glad I never got one. I can’t imagine how she would’ve stole my spotlight! Sharing is still not my strong suit.

Birth order is fascinating now that I’m a mom with two girls. It’s always interesting to hear how it affects children and what characteristics are true. Lately I’ve been struggling with some mom guilt over not being able to give my second baby what I gave my first i.e. my undivided attention and patience. I don’t possess either of those things anymore.Probably never did!

This baby is lucky to get a bottle of milk thrown at her in between running laps around the front yard or a clean diaper before playing horsies or spinning. Forget story time or any kind of one-on-one time. This kid won’t even know what a book is. She probably won’t be able to read until she’s twenty at the rate I’m going. It breaks my heart because I was reading to my first born in utero and all the second born heard were reruns of Sesame Street, the never-ending whine of her older sister, and me shushing the whining. Granted, that’s all she still hears.

Everything is so different than before. There’s just no time. No time to sit still and read. No time to sit. No time to still. Definitely no time to read.

My guilt goes beyond reading though. The first one got professional photos done, four different sessions at 3.6.9. and 12 months. We have enough to wallpaper the house.

Professional shoot

Professional shoot

The second one got pictures at JC Penny…once.

See what I mean?

See what I mean?

While they’re still as cute, there’s just no comparison. The first one got all brand-spanking new clothes while the second one gets all her hand-me-downs, stains and all. The first one’s baby book is nearly done while the second one’s is completely blank. She’s 8 months, people. Eight months!

The first one will get to do everything before the second, while she watches from the sidelines. All the second one gets is shushed during nap time because she’ll wake up her sister with her squeals and then everyone pays the price. I never thought I could get frustrated with a baby–surely I’m a monster. Of course I love her with all my heart, but like I said, it’s different this time.

It’s too bad we can’t all be first borns or better yet, only children. I understand a little of why my own mummy will defend her first born tooth and nail They’re the cherished ones, the ones that got the best of us, or maybe the worst of us because we had no clue what we were doing and we have to defend them if anything but to save ourselves. Now I’ve just gone cross-eyed.

My only hope is that they’ll be BFFs, balancing each other out and when it comes time to split up my jewelry collection they won’t kill each other.

Lesson Learned

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

3 men

Remember in Three Men & a Baby when the grandma says, “I think she did a doodle?” when referring to the baby having a poopy diaper? Well, I wonder what she would call a volcano of poo erupting out of the top of a baby’s diaper? A doozle? A poozy? A whole lotta shit? This is what I found myself wondering as I placed my messy, squirmy baby in the back of my car as we were parked in the middle of the library parking lot. I didn’t know what to call this explosion of doo doo. All I knew was that it was everywhere.

It was our first visit to story time today. I was a little apprehensive, wondering if my toddler would behave and sit through it. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and heard my hubby’s voice in the back of my head saying she needs to be around more kids, so I committed to going. We arrived just at 11. As with most children’s activities, things tend to start a few minutes late while moms and kids straggle in. Not story time, they are prompt. Of course.

Hurriedly, I parked the car and threw my baby in the Bjorn before getting the big one out. We high-tailed it into the library where the librarian was already reading the first book. We quietly sat down in the back. Ok, I sighed, we made it. Two seconds later my daughter was shouting that she wanted a bean bag. So an understanding dad handed one down the line for us. Phew. Crisis averted.

Then I smelled it.

The little one had shat herself. And boy did it stink. There was another mom sitting close by and I inwardly winced, hoping she couldn’t smell the ripeness coming from our corner. A squeal of delight from the little one–who isn’t so proud and happy after pooping out their entire insides? Six sets of eyes turned to look at us. I smiled politely and tried to distract her. So I took her out of the Bjorn and that’s when I realized it wasn’t just a poopy diaper. It was a poo geyser and it was raining down on me.

Meanwhile, the big one started pulling books from the nearby shelves, exclaimed that her sister was “6 months” when really she’s 7 months going on 8, and took her sandals off. The librarian wasn’t even finished with the first book and I needed to leave already. But if I tried to leave, the big one would suffer a Chernobyl meltdown and then I’d follow suit and everyone would laugh at me.

So what did I do? Waited until the librarian went through the first book, sang a dang song about owls where everyone introduced themself, then read a second book about owls. The big one listened for five seconds at a time before pulling out more books and whining off and on. It was a complete disaster.

When she finished the book, she explained it was craft time and the kids could make little owls out of pine cones. They were very cute and I was bummed we couldn’t make one, but I had to change the little one. She’d sat in it too long as it was. So I went to put the big one’s sandals back on her but somehow they had poop on them. How, I had no idea. So she couldn’t wear them, she’d track it through the library. I had the little one pressed against my chest, hoping no one could tell she was oozing poop and I half-dragged the big one out to the car with no shoes on her feet. Mom of the year status.

Oh yeah, cause I failed to mention that the diaper bag was still in the car. What would I need with it when we were only going to a 20 minute story time?

Luckily, the big one didn’t have a meltdown about leaving.

At the back of the car, I threw the big one in and set the little one down to notice that I had poop all over my shirt, my hands, the big one’s shoes, and probably my hair, not to mention the baby! I smelled like a porta-potty at the fair. Makes me gag just thinking about it.

After what seemed like forever, I finally got everything and everyone cleaned off just as the parents and kids started making their way out of the library holding their little owls. Damnit, that would’ve looked cute on the windowsill.

So to salvage what ended up being a horrific first story time, we went to the park to look for squirrels. The big one was happy about that and the little one was happy to be clean and I was just happy to be out of that tiny, smelly room.

We’ll give it a go again next week. A little bit of poo will not stop this mummy. But you better believe I’m taking my hulking diaper bag in with me.

How You Doin’?

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

I don’t know what it’s like for other moms, but for me, every time I’m at the playground it’s like a blind date. But I’ve never been on one date in my entire life, so how would I know?

There is this mom dance like a mating call minus the mating. I’m there with my two kids, this other mom is there with hers. Our children run around and play together. We smile. They get along without any incident. We follow each other around, and then finally we speak. She’s new to the area, so am I. She has a 2 1/2 year old daughter, so do I. She seems normal, so do I. In other words, a perfect match. Like if we were on Love Connection, Chuck Woolery would ask if there would be a second playdate and the audience would vote for number 1 and we’d get to go out again for free. Man, I loved that show–so much bad hair (see below).

love

It’s sad and a little embarrassing that I’ve never been on a date. But I married my high school sweetheart, so we’re both completely clueless when it comes to picking up people. At least he better be. It’s obvious I don’t know a thing about dating. I thought guys still said, “What’s your sign?” as a pick-up line. If it was up to me I guess I’d quote Notorious B.I.G. and say, “What your interests are? Who you be with? Things to make you smile? What numbers to dial?” And if she knows what I’m talking about, then we could be friends.

My daughter is a terrible wingman, she leaves me in the dust as soon as she sees the swings. And then I’m the weirdo wearing a baby strapped to my chest pushing my daughter’s stuffed zebra in the swing next to her. Nobody wants to talk to that loony tune.

Before becoming a mom, I never would’ve started a conversation with a random stranger. My shyness was too crippling. But with two young babies, you’re forced to get out of the house and interact with your fellow mums if you want to sustain any shred of sanity. There’s really nothing to worry about as you already have so much in common, first and foremost being that you’re starved for adult interaction.

Awhile back, we were at the playground and my daughter was playing with a little girl who was about her age. They were having so much fun running around together. I waited the appropriate amount of time, assessing the situation before I committed to “getting chummy” with her mom, then we started chatting. She was very nice. Worked a part-time job at a nearby winery, and had good things to say about local schools. My Mom Connection was running high. She said she often brought her daughter to the same playground so she was sure we’d run into each other again–the blow off, perhaps.I didn’t have my phone so I didn’t get her number. Then we parted ways and I’ve never seen her again. The hubby couldn’t believe I let her slip through my fingers….worked at a winery–hell-o, what was I thinking?!? He went on about it for a few days. But I didn’t have my phone, what was I supposed to do? Write her number on my hand like some middle-school crush?

I’ve since joined a mom’s group in our area and am meeting some nice moms and my daughter is getting some socialization, although we have a long way to go. At our last playdate, my darling girl was eating a snack and every time one of the other children came near her, she screamed “NO!” and held her food close to her as if they were going to rip it out of her hands. So embarrassing. Before you think I’m starving her, we have two small dogs who constantly steal her food, hence the reason for her insane outbursts. But these kids don’t know that, they just think she’s  super hungry and stingy.

Maybe I don’t want her for my wingman after all.