You know, it’s when something’s virtuous. Like that means anything to me. My life used to be words, but now my brain is complete mush and I couldn’t define the word virtue if my life depended on it. Kinda like Winona Ryder’s character in Reality Bites trying to define irony during her job interview. Irony…when something’s ironic. “I know it when I see it.”

One of my favs

So if patience is a virtue then I’m the least virtuous person ever. I’ve never had much patience and any shred that I might have left since becoming a mom is used up on my toddler by 9:30 am. I don’t even have enough patience to make it through the two minutes on my electric toothbrush. Who has that kind of time? I ask it every night.

When I’m standing in line at Target and the old lady in front of me buys four cases of Diet Coke and a package of Depends then stands and peruses her receipt as if she’s checking lottery numbers, I tap my foot and sigh as loud as possible not giving two shits that I sound like a jerk. I never did this before becoming a mummy. I used to politely smile and wait my turn, but I don’t have time for bullshit anymore people…I’ve got two screaming mimis at home and a family member who is doing me a favor so I can run out and get toilet paper in peace.

I wish I could be the laid-back relaxed mom who says “no worries” and actually means it. I’m the complete opposite. Everything is a worry and all you morons are in my way. I should get that tattooed on my forehead. Then when I’m driving 45 in a 25 or losing my cool waiting in some sort of line then everyone around me will know where I stand.

One time I was waiting in line to get gas and of course the gas station was packed with cars in each lane. My two ticking time bombs were strapped into their seats directly behind me, so I was on edge to begin with. I waited behind a lady in a truck who was taking a painfully long time. Finally after what seemed like ten hours (every minute is an hour in baby time…kinda like dog years) she was getting ready to leave but she didn’t pull away like any normal person, because she couldn’t, her truck wouldn’t start. Arrgh, so I wasted ten hours minutes waiting for nothing and then I’d have to wait another ten minutes before I could even fill up. So I sped off opting to go to another gas station five minutes down the road only to see it was shut down for a remodel. Such is the luck of a virtueless mummy!

Needless to say, I’m a work in progress.