Toddlers Are the Devil’s Spawn

devil child

This is the title that was orbiting my brain all day yesterday. Needless to say, it was a bad day.

But today is a great day! Mainly because my two-year-old is on her way to becoming potty-trained and (knock on wood) it’s been pretty painless so far!

Out of the blue, she told me she had to go pee so I put her on the toilet in my bathroom and she went! Like she had been doing it all her life. I freaked out, starting praising her up and down and spinning circles like a dog when he sees the treat jar. I was ecstatic! So I full-on committed to no diapers except at naptime and bedtime. Talk about scary! It’s like handling a hair-trigger grenade except when this one explodes it’s pee and poop.

Just fifteen minutes before this miraculous event, I was in the shower wishing I could spank the snot out of my little darling because she decided she needed to scream as loud and high-pitched as she could for no damn reason. Mind you, I’m trying to get in and out of the shower as quickly as possible while the little one is sound asleep and in the confines of her crib. It’s not enough that I set her up in my room with her favorite cartoon on, a cup of milk, and even crackers to keep her happy. I came barreling out of the shower, my blood boiling and informed my daughter that we don’t scream like that while her sister is sleeping…or ever. I wanted to pull out all of my hair and all of hers. Then she turned around a few minutes later and filled me with so much pride, erasing my anger.

While she’s not always easy to deal with or discipline, she’s been pretty good when it comes to everything else. So I guess I can’t really complain, but why stop what I’ve always been good at?

She took really well to her big girl bed, with moving, with having a sister and now learning to use the potty. All the major things. It’s just when she’s having her tenth meltdown of the day and I’m working with four hours of broken sleep and a demanding, whining 9-month-old that I start to wish I had a full-time job doing anything else.

Then I start thinking of all the things I’d be missing and it makes me sad. The way she and her sister chase each other, crawling around the kitchen island and their squeals of laughter. The way the big one will sit and read to us as if she’s the librarian at story hour. The way the little one looks at the big one like she knows she’s her sister already and loves every single thing about her. These are my favorite moments.

Why can’t these moments happen more than the blood-boiling moments? These are the moments that my mom says keep you going. And she’s totally right. Cause if it weren’t for these things, these two would be orphans by now.

Another milestone I would’ve missed: her first poopy in the potty. While this might not sound like something anyone would want to witness or remember, it made me giddy. Crazy, that you become a parent and another human being pooping in a plastic potty chair can make you elated. Now that’s jacked up!

At least I didn’t take a picture of it, like the hubby asked. I was too busy trying to make sure her baby sister didn’t grab ahold of it! But boy was I impressed!

Screaming Baby On Board

A wailing baby is a valid reason for speeding (not to mention other infractions when driving)! I haven’t gotten a ticket yet (knock on wood) but there have been times when I’ve gone from Driving Miss Daisy to Evil Knievel in 60 seconds or less. When your child is screaming bloody murder from the confines of her car seat just a few inches from your head, it’s not easy to block her out. As a side note, I’m pretty sure cranking up the radio to drown her cries is frowned upon in the parenting handbook.

Yellow lights are met with a burst of speed instead of braking and corners are cut a little sharper than normal…whatever to get you home and her out the quickest! I’m not proud of this, but it’s the truth. I usually pride myself on being a super safe driver especially since having my daughter, but sometimes a lead foot is necessary.

There is a solution. New parents should be issued a pink or blue siren for the roof of their cars which magnifies their child’s screams so the world can hear what Mummy or Daddy is dealing with.

A baby on board sticker won’t cut it! Baby meltdowns are enough to make even the safest, most cautious driver break the rules. It’s a truth serum of sorts because I would reveal my deepest, darkest secrets to make the crying stop. These sirens wouldn’t work unless the baby was screaming so parents couldn’t abuse it.

Where do I sign up?

Most of the time, I’m able to plan outings accordingly so baby doesn’t have a meltdown, but there are the rare occasions that she’s tired or hungry which will always trigger a screamfest and frazzled nerves for Mummy. No matter how many times you tell her calmly that we’re almost home, she only screams louder. Until I get my siren, I guess I’ll have to remember to slow down, stop at yellow lights, and try my best to soothe my tiny road-rager without losing my cool.