Tag Archives: Lazy

Food is my Heroin

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting by

Remember the days when you could eat anything you wanted, skip the gym, and still only have one chin?

Yeah, I don’t either.

Oprah and I have one thing in common: food is our drug of choice! Not alcohol (though I do love a glass of champagne) not crack (it is whack after all) but food–delicious, comforting food.

The hubby and I are both afflicted with the love of eating. So much so that I pray we don’t end up on The Biggest Loser Couples in 5 years. Who am I kidding? In 2 years. I would seriously cry if that overly toned Jillian Michaels was screaming at me to “Just say no to doughnuts.” It’s not like I eat them on the reg, just when I deserve a treat. Which, come to think of it, is all the time. Doesn’t she know that raising a baby is hard work?

Doughnuts are the devil!

That’s the whole problem. I think I deserve some sort of pick-me-up when the day is a particularly trying one (or the night was an extra sleepless one). A cookie here or mini-Coke there. Just a little hit of something sweet to take the edge off.

I love all the studies that say junk food is as addictive as drugs. The hubby and I joke that we’re cursed with a disease. But really the only disease we have is laziness. We know it, we just don’t want to acknowledge it. Before the baby, I was confident I would return to the gym with the same dedication I had when I was only 2 months along. The baby weight didn’t stand a chance against me and that elliptical machine, or so I thought. I have yet to step foot in a gym 8 months postpartum. There’s just no time. Or motivation.

Until now. I’m going to junk food rehab. The only way to do it is to shift my addiction to something else: shoes. For every 10 pounds I lose, I get a new pair of shoes. And not the cheapies from Tar-jay I normally buy. Good ones from an actual department store.

Oh, to be fat and happy, eh Oprah?

Chopped Liver

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Parenting by

When you have a belly the size of a beach ball and you can’t see your toes any longer, people tend to pamper you. They offer you something to eat or drink every 15 minutes, they pick things up off the ground for you, and they will even let you cut in line at the grocery store. Being pregnant was awesome! The world revolved around me, er, my belly, for 9 months. Every day I woke up feeling like a walking miracle factory.

I had a very easy pregnancy. The only drawback was occasional heartburn which was totally manageable. I could sleep in until 10 and take a nap whenever I wanted and nobody would accuse me of being lazy. In fact, everyone said I needed my rest and encouraged me to rest. Annnnd I was encouraged to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. (Eat your heart out, Oprah).

Then the baby came. My taunt round belly deflated to a flabby balloon and there was no time for sleeping whatsoever. Nobody gave me unsolicited smiles or perks of any kind. Plus, I had to share my baby with the world. Double whammy. She was no longer mine alone.

It’s easy to feel like chopped liver as a new mummy. Nobody is fawning over you anymore, but really they never were. While I had my baby bump, all the attention wasn’t really for me, it was for the life growing inside. Now, I’ll gladly step aside to let my daughter have the spotlight because I know that for the next handful of years I’ll still be numero uno in her eyes. That’s enough to make me feel like filet mignon!