Tag Archives: Parenting

Thar She Blows!

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting by

Blowouts are inevitable! Yellow, runny poop can hide in places you didn’t even know existed on your baby. What’s even worse is that sometimes they will just stew in it, perfectly happy without a complaint. Then the smell hits you. But it’s not a normal doo doo smell. Someone once described it as a breakfast food smell. No breakfast I ever had! Someone else said it smells like movie theater popcorn…way to ruin that for me. But the best thing about blowouts (sarcasm font needed) is that they wait until the most inopportune time to let it fly. Just when you’ve put a freshie on them, new outfit, plopped them in their car seat for a trip to the grocery store, started the car, and made it around the block…wham! Blowout city!

Now that the munchkin is eating some solid foods, we’ve entered a whole new realm of poop. (I know this is just what you wanted to read about.) New textures, colors, and smells! Oh my! The contents of her diapers closely resemble what she ate at her previous meal: think liquidy prunes. Yummy! Never did I think I’d be so enthralled with what comes out of her rear end. However, I’m not one of those moms who carefully inspects each dirty diaper, but I do take a quick peek to make sure everything is normal. Because sometimes it’s so much that you think she might’ve pooped a squirrel — like on Anchorman.

There is this whole method of infant potty-training called Elimination Communication where the parent looks for the baby’s bathroom cues then rushes them to the toilet or a nearby pot. This just screams disaster to me. I wouldn’t have the patience for it at all. Plus, you’d have to be agile enough to spring into action at any given moment. You’d probably be better off getting a parakeet and letting it fly around your house to poop willy-nilly on all your furniture.

Potty-training this early is enticing, but this method isn’t for me. More power to those who are brave enough to try it though. E.C. really gives new meaning to the term “baby poop” when referring to an unattractive shade of green or yellow paint! While I’m all for a “pop” of color in a room, baby poop is not really the look I’m going for.

Girl Fight!

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting by

How do I force teach my daughter not to be a mean girl? I would be devastated if she was the schoolyard bully or the Queen of the Snobs, but I don’t want her to be the victim of these girls either. It’s a tricky subject because I’m sure peer pressure has a lot to do with it.  Thank god I’m nowhere near having to actually figure this one out, but it’s already giving me anxiety. My niece, who is only six, is already encountering “girl crap” as my sister-in-law likes to call it. The drama, the tears, and the attitudes…hormones aren’t even involved yet. Yikes! I wish I could just skip over years twelve through eighteen. Boarding school anyone? No, I could never send my daughter away. Who could afford that? I mean, I would miss her too much — yeah that’s it!

I wasn’t a mean girl growing up (at least not intentionally) but I had my share of mean moments. Nothing like writing nasty things about other girls in bathroom stalls or starting scandalous rumors, but I remember getting in fights with my friend who lived next door. We’d ride our bikes all over and play Monopoly after school. There was one day we started quarreling over who knows what. Hair was pulled, shins were kicked, and bikes were knocked to the ground. It was ugly. Then, the next day we were back to Monopoly again.

I don’t remember apologizing, but we probably did. Did her mom call mine and tell her about our scuffle? Or were we left to work it out on our own? I don’t know, but according to my mom, kids fight. They love each other one minute, hate each other the next, and have moved on in the blink of an eye. When parents start meddling, that’s when the real problems begin. She’s right because if another mom approached me about my daughter’s behavior you better believe my Mama Bear claws would come out.

I know my daughter will have her share of spats and I wish I could protect her from all of it, but I can’t keep her in a bubble…or could I? Hmmmm….

I’m Coming Out…

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting by

as a closeted Taylor Swift fan! There, I said it — so think what you will. I don’t shop in the junior’s section anymore (teen girls don’t have this much junk in their trunks!), I don’t know what the newest dances are (do kids even remember The Running Man?), and my craziest night of the week is when we order a pizza and watch the new episode of Secrets of a Stylist on HGTV. In other words, not exactly Taylor Swift’s demographic. But I like to think I’m still a young girl at heart — charmed by poetry and romantic ideals about love. Or maybe I’m just becoming an old fuddy-duddy, my music tastes mellowing out with my old age. (The fact that I used the term fuddy-duddy is proof enough that I’m no longer too cool for school. Ugh, I’m full of them.)

I’ve always liked a wide range of music, but this has been my dirty little secret. I was even embarrassed to ask my hubby to get Swift’s music for me. It’s not like I’d go all Kanye on her and try to take away her award or anything as mean, but I wouldn’t exactly admit that she was on my iPod either. But now that I’m a mummy, I might as well own up to all my imperfections.

The first time I heard Swift’s song, “Never Grow Up” I balled my eyes out. Perhaps I could’ve blamed it on my hormonal imbalance being 3 months postpartum, or the sweet strum of the acoustic guitar, or because I was looking into my daughter’s doe eyes while it played in the background…whatever the reason it really hit home. Maybe it reminded me of my past — growing up and realizing all that I put my mother and father through and how at times I still wish I was their little girl being tucked into bed by their loving hands.

There are two ways I could use this song. 1) Save it for my daughter’s wedding and cry my eyes out for her entire father/daughter dance or 2) use the song to punish my daughter when she’s grounded for sneaking out of the house or whatever it is the kids are doing in 2026. She will have to sit and listen to the song on repeat until she realizes that life is simpler when you’re little and she’s in trouble because I love her too much, not because I’m a mean mummy! Looks like I’ll be going with door #2!

Guillotine of Fun

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Parenting by

Our baby is barely 6 months old and it’s already established that Daddy is “The Jester” and Mummy is “The Guillotine of Fun.” Daddy swoops in and is all about laughs and getting smiles while Mummy is all about cutting fun in half and making sure baby’s needs are met. It’s just not fair. I knew before the baby even joined us that Daddy would be the favorite. I was a Daddy’s girl too, so on one hand it makes me happy that she’ll have a close bond with her father (and extra pleased that she won’t end up a stripper with daddy issues) but on the other hand I don’t want to be the bad cop all the time, unless doughnuts are involved.

Case in point: there we were, a happy family of 3 sitting down to dinner. Baby was next to me in her highchair: bib on and ready to chow down. I had my plate and her bowl of mush. One bite for her, half of one for me. It wasn’t quite working for her. I was too slow. So Daddy shoveled his food in and took over. Next thing I knew he was making airplanes noises and her face was covered in said mush. She was smiling and loving every minute of it. “Boring ol’ Mummy just sits there and spoons it in, but this guy is grrreat.” I could hear her thinking. But he had barely given her any food and it was almost bath time. After a couple more minutes, I took the bowl back and got the job done before his antics threw off our entire schedule.

I guess if I have to let Daddy win one then it should be this. I’m lucky enough to get to stay home with our daughter all day making her squeal with delight whenever I please. He gets a couple hours a day tops, so letting him be “The Jester” is fine by me. He still makes me chuckle–not an easy thing to do– so I know he’s qualified for the job.

Pass the Ginkgo Biloba, Please

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting, Writing by

B.B. (before baby) my memory was a steel trap! You could’ve asked me anything…the name of my kindergarten teacher? Mrs. Zirm. Who wrote the poem The Wasteland? T.S. Eliot.  The Italian city where St. Francis was from? Piece of cake…Assisi. But these days: 6 months A.B. (after baby) I’m lucky if I can remember my own name. I’ll be mid-story and completely forget what point I was trying to make. I understand this happens to people all the time, but this never used to happen to me. It’s weird and frightening. It makes me worry how I’ll be in five years.

One of my mom’s favorite phrases to me over the years was, “You just wait.” I used to (and still do) tease her about all of her wacky ways and this would always be her comeback. She was referring to me waiting until the day I had children thus rendering me a brain-dead stressed-out sleep-deprived lunatic. Well, of course she was right. My day has come! My brain barely functions yet the baby is thriving so I must be doing something right.

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity and can get an answer to a Jeopardy question, but most of the time the only thing I can think is, “I would’ve gotten all these answers before.” But really Jeopardy answers don’t matter because there is no time to be sitting around watching TV anymore when there’s a baby who needs feeding, changing, and a reading to. I miss my DVR almost as much as I miss my sleep!