Tag Archives: #MommyBlog

Dragon Breath Revisited

Posted in Comedy, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

Cut to two kids later  and I’m finally coming around to the idea that I need coffee, or more specifically caffeine, to survive.

mama needs

But I’ve been balking at this realization. I don’t want to succumb to the dragon’s breath that is in my future. As I’ve written before, my mom’s dragon breath has haunted me for decades and I’m not ready to submit my daughter to the same torture. Although now I like the idea of making her put up with my bad breath…she makes me put up with her shenanigans, so why not get some revenge where I can?!

First off, I’m not a hot drink kind of person. I don’t like to deal with a burnt tongue all day. However, I just learned that coffees come iced. Second, I discovered the wonderful world of lattes. They have more sugar than a Willy Wonka chocolate factory, which is right up my alley.

My kind of coffee

My kind of coffee

Recently I ordered a vanilla latte while the hubby ordered a plain iced coffee. I took a drink of mine, slightly grimaced at the coffee taste, but realized I could power through it for the caffeine buzz at the end of the rainbow. So what if it left an aftertaste as if I’d been licking the cat’s butt. Then I took a quick swig of the hubby’s and about vurped. I had the worst bitter beer face. That shit was lethal. Tasted like ass roasted in cow dung. At least what I imagine ass roasted in cow dung would taste like. I went back to my vanilla latte and it was pure heaven. Sweet, sugary heaven.

Now I’m on a quest to make my own iced lattes at home because I had a coffee epiphany. Coffee is crack–legalized crack. It makes everything better.

Makes me like my kids better. Makes me feel like I can conquer the world…or at least deal with my two *screaming idiots* for twelve straight hours without wanting to ship them to Siberia every other minute.

don't make meNo wonder my mom consumed three daily pots of coffee since I can remember. Mummy really does know best!

 

*Screaming idiots is a term of endearment in our household*

Caillou = The Worst

Posted in Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting by

Before I became a parent, I was one of those annoying people who used to talk about what I would and wouldn’t let my hypothetical child do (don’t worry, we all do it). Well, not watching TV was on that list. Remember I said before I became a parent.

Then the baby turned into a toddler and against my better judgment I let her watch a little TV which became a lot of TV. Big mistake because she somehow fell in love with the most miserable cartoon ever created…Caillou. Although it seems every children’s show throughout history has driven parents to drink (don’t even get me started on Barney!), this one really takes the prize. For those of you who haven’t been tortured by listening to Caillou’s whiny, nasally voice complain about everything, consider yourself lucky. He is a snotty little wanker with a bald head and a terrible attitude. An attitude that my daughter has adopted. She’s like his little clone.

This is totally a thing!

“Teaching kids to be whiny brats since 1997.” See, it’s totally a thing!

I brought this on myself by letting her watch him in the first place. Then I made matters worse by buying her a set of Caillou books, a puzzle, and the DVD. It’s the damnedest thing. You want to give your child the world even if it’s something you can’t stand, because a teeny tiny piece of you enjoys watching it with her because she loves it so much. I’m not saying I like Caillou–I loathe him, if loathing a cartoon character is possible– but I like making her happy and more importantly, keeping her quiet while Mummy cleans the kitchen.

But we finally had enough. Daddy put his foot down once we realized she sounded just like that bratty little twat. So we banned him and have been a Caillou-free household ever since. And I must admit it is nice! Wish I would’ve done it ages ago! I don’t hum that stupid theme song every five minutes like I used to and I don’t have to look at his stupid face and listen to his stupid parents who are drawn the exact stupid way but with different hair.

We’ve moved on to Sophia the First. At least she’s a pleasant little girl who became a princess overnight, so there’s no pretentiousness there. I’ve never heard her complain once. She talks to animals and remains friends with the village folk. Now, there’s a role model my daughter can look up to! However, if she starts saying the animals talk back to her, we might have a problem.

The Commoner's Princess

The Commoner’s Princess

Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Mummy

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Mommy Blog, Parenting, Writing by

If…

Your day is over before it even begins.

You forget to order ice in your iced coffee.

You think a complete meal is two animal crackers and a sip of watered down grape juice.

You haven’t gone to the bathroom by yourself in over a year.

You have more peanut butter on your clothes than your toddler does.

You shave your armpits twice because you can’t remember if you already did it or not.

You can’t remember the last time you moisturized…anything!

You want to punch that no-good Caillou in the face.

You think sleeping until 7 is a luxury (or sleeping at all, for that matter!).

You would sell your soul (or maybe your children) for a glass of wine and a bubble bath.

truth