The Tooth Fairy is a Cheapskate!

If we’re going to have these ridiculous childhood characters like The Tooth Fairy then we, as parents, need to come to a consensus on what is an acceptable reward for teeth. I can’t have my daughter going to school bragging that she got $1 and 2 starburst (don’t judge, it’s all we had in the house) when her classmate got 5 large from the supposed same fairy. Now my daughter’s going to think her teeth aren’t as worthy as her classmate’s just because this other girl’s father is apparently Daddy Warbucks.

It’s a funny thing, this Tooth Fairy business. We sneak in to take their tooth and replace it with money while they’re slumbering away. But then what do we do with the teeth? As of now I have two teeth in a bag stashed away in my dresser. That sentence totally makes me sound like a serial killer and reminds me of that one Gillian Flynn book with the creepy dollhouse. So, what to do with the teeth? Throw them away? Keep them forever and make a charm bracelet? (Kidding!) Hold onto them for a little while then bury them in the backyard? Or just throw them in the trash like a normal person?

Now that my daughter is losing her teeth, it makes me remember how she got her teeth. It takes me back to those sweet days of infancy. But it also reminds me that teething is one of the hardest things to go through for both the parents and the baby. It seems endless, taking years of sleepless nights dealing with a fussy, uncomfortable, rabid raccoon. Whenever my daughter was acting like this, I’d blame it on teething. I wish I could do that now. Now, she’s just a rabid raccoon aka defiant A-hole, I mean, six-year-old.

Maybe The Tooth Fairy was invented because it makes up for having to go through the trauma of cutting teeth and then having them fall out (or yanked out). My daughter was so excited to see the little pouch of treasure hidden under her pillow and promptly came in my room first thing to show off her prize. And when her classmate bragged about her $5, my daughter’s response was that The Tooth Fairy used glitter on her note and that made her happy, which in turn made this miserly Tooth Fairy smile with pride.

Show Me Your Teeth…

is not just the name of a freaky & fun Lady Gaga song — it’s what I’ve been singing to my baby because she’s been teething for what feels like forever and still no sign of her first pearly white. I know it’s causing her pain and wrecking havoc on our “normal” routine so I keep telling myself that once it finally comes through, my sweet happy girl will return to us. Lately she’s been like Dr. Jekyll and Miss Hyde…happy and blowing raspberries one minute then screaming bloody murder the next. Teeth are the devil, I tell ya!

Why couldn’t mother nature have all the teeth pop through at once? Because it would be so freaking painful our heads would explode? Probably. I wish it were as easy as one night she goes to sleep with her toothless grin and the next morning she wakes up looking like those creepy toddlers in beauty pageants who were those fake “flippers” to present a flawless smile. Well, I don’t really want her to look like one of them, but if she woke up and had all her teeth at once, it would be a lot easier on all of us. Getting this first tooth to pop through is just the tip of the iceberg. How many teeth are in the human mouth? 26? 32? What a looooong road ahead of  more drool than Niagara Falls and more screaming than a banshee. My poor little bebe.

At the same time, I’m dreading the first tooth to appear because that means we’re really leaving the baby days behind us and I’d like to keep her little as long as I can. So maybe I should stop singing Lady Gaga and enjoy the toothless grins while I still have them!