Pregnancy does some weird things to you physically and mentally. Your body balloons in size, the smell of chili makes you retch, you drool like a Saint Bernard in your sleep, and you lose all rational thought. Who wouldn’t want to spend nine months like this?

Besides getting to the uncomfortable stage since I’m near the end, I’ve had to deal with some pretty vivid and messed up dreams. This one from last night really takes the cake.

I woke up in a sweaty panic thinking that the hubby really was cheating on me with a Japanese stripper named Skoshi and that he didn’t care one bit as I cussed him out for being such an effing A-hole. Even his own mother was there telling him what a pig he was. And still he didn’t care that I was about to pop out his second kid and he was off gallivanting with filth! Confessed and flaunted it right to my face! The nerve, I know.

The hubby always thinks I’m crazy when I have dreams like this and wake up angry at him. He never remembers his dreams and if he does, they’re always about flying through space or killing zombies–typical dude stuff. So he can’t relate when my overly dramatic unconscious mind concocts these wacky scenarios.

I don’t remember all the details, but those were enough to give me an icky feeling when I woke up. But I was so happy that I indeed did wake up and it was all just a dream. Such a relief that I wouldn’t have to chop his balls off.

I’ve heard other pregnant women complain about similar dreams of infidelity because we don’t feel attractive anymore and are insecure because our bodies aren’t what they used to be. This makes sense because with each passing day I feel more and more like a beached whale despite the fact that I’m growing a human.

I just hope I can make it to the end without Skoshi making another appearance because if she does, this preggo mama is gonna give her a beat down!