Category Archives: Family

Your Mom Goes to College

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting by

On January 18, 2011 I officially became a “your mom” joke. (“Mom jeans” and fanny pack to be issued at the hospital upon delivery).  I was, in fact, somebody’s mom therefore susceptible to this ever-popular comeback. A joke used by most males between the ages of ten and twenty or in my case, my twenty-nine year old husband. He likes to use it regularly. He’s also a fan of the ever popular, “That’s what she said,” which can, at times, be used interchangeably. Here is an example: “I like spicy sausage!” “Your mom likes spicy sausage,” or “That’s what she said.” Easy as pie and probably why the hubby likes it so. No thinking required!

It dawned on me that these two expressions might be going strong by the time my daughter is ten or so and I would be the butt of the joke. These little twerps running around making fun of me and I would be clueless. What’s a mummy to do? Grin and bear it? Tell them a grandma joke? “Your Grandma likes spicy sausage!” (Using their moms as jokes would be cruel, but grandmas would be fair game). But I couldn’t stoop to their level being the adult and all…or could I?

When my hubby and I were younger we bought shirts that read, “I heart your mom.” We wore them for a picture and our moms thought it was the cutest thing ever, totally missing the joke while we snickered in the background. Oh, if I could find that photo now… I guess everything comes full circle so it’s just a matter of time before my daughter laughs hysterically when someone says that her mom likes spicy sausage or that her mom goes to college and I’ll probably smile and think they’re just the cutest kids ever.

Funny Like a Clown?

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“Funny Mummy” implies more than cracking a good joke every now and then. When someone says that you’re funny it almost always means, “You’re bonkers and you make me seem less crazy.” I can just imagine my daughter saying to me one day, “Mom, you’re so funny.” And by that I will know that she really means I’m a loony toon. And I will be so proud. I would love her to think I’m funny for more than the silly faces I make and wacky nicknames I bestow upon her. Good god, what if she doesn’t have a sense of humor? Is that learned or inherent? Should I practice spit-takes in front of her and knock-knock jokes?

I guess all mothers are slightly insane. We’re insane because we let these tiny people spit up, defecate and urinate all over us and we still smile, clap, and kiss them all over right after they’ve done so. Who else in their right minds would put up with this? Since my daughter is still so young and the most she can do to me is these slightly offensive, but healthy, bodily functions, am I only at the beginning of my insanity? Is it going to get much worse as she gets older and can really inflict some damage? Drawings on the walls, eating pennies, and whatever else toddlers do? And then come the teen years. Hormones and attitudes. Ack. I’ll be 85% insane by then and a complete 100% when she graduates highschool.

And will I ever get it back? Will my sanity one day be restored? When my baby eventually leaves me in the dust will I get my fully functioning brain back as if it were waiting gift-wrapped sitting in a forgotten closet somewhere? God, I hope so because it’s only “Hello rest home” from there and I don’t want to be that crazy old woman who forgot to put her teeth in all because motherhood fried my brain.

Pass the Ginkgo Biloba, Please

Posted in Babies, Comedy, Daughters, Family, Humor, Parenting, Writing by

B.B. (before baby) my memory was a steel trap! You could’ve asked me anything…the name of my kindergarten teacher? Mrs. Zirm. Who wrote the poem The Wasteland? T.S. Eliot.  The Italian city where St. Francis was from? Piece of cake…Assisi. But these days: 6 months A.B. (after baby) I’m lucky if I can remember my own name. I’ll be mid-story and completely forget what point I was trying to make. I understand this happens to people all the time, but this never used to happen to me. It’s weird and frightening. It makes me worry how I’ll be in five years.

One of my mom’s favorite phrases to me over the years was, “You just wait.” I used to (and still do) tease her about all of her wacky ways and this would always be her comeback. She was referring to me waiting until the day I had children thus rendering me a brain-dead stressed-out sleep-deprived lunatic. Well, of course she was right. My day has come! My brain barely functions yet the baby is thriving so I must be doing something right.

Sometimes I have a moment of clarity and can get an answer to a Jeopardy question, but most of the time the only thing I can think is, “I would’ve gotten all these answers before.” But really Jeopardy answers don’t matter because there is no time to be sitting around watching TV anymore when there’s a baby who needs feeding, changing, and a reading to. I miss my DVR almost as much as I miss my sleep!