The moment you realize you have more in common with Snooki than Michelle Obama do you:
A) Call your mom and apologize
B) Sign up for etiquette classes
C) Do 10 shots of Jager and say screw it right before getting up on that tabletop to dance
D) All of the above
The other day I realized I had more in common with Snooki than I cared to admit. When writing a tweet that said something like, “I hate when people who can’t read go on to write a book,”I was referring to the pint-sized self-appointed “meatball” from MTV’s Jersey Shore and her book, Baby Bumps.
After tweeting it, I realized I was just hating on Snooki for doing something that I dream about doing –getting published– not achieving the world’s deepest tan or highest pouf. In the midst of my hating, I had to take a hard look at myself and that’s when I realized I was more like Snooki than I thought.
And here are the top 10 ways:
1) I used to be addicted to tanning. Me with my freckly German/Irish skin used to “fake bake” in a cancer box my senior year of high school. Back then in ’99, spray-tanning wasn’t what it is today. It was just a can of orange spray paint but similar to the effect seen below.
2) Have thrown up in my share of parking lots. I used to have a life before I had kids and that included going out and drinking way too much. I finally learned that shots were to be done at the beginning of the evening and not at the end after you’ve already had one too many. And Flip Cup should never be played with Lemon Drops.
3) I’m kind of Italian. My grandmother was 100% Sicilian and 200% crazy so by that logic–I’m 1/4 Italian and 1/2 insane. Apparently Snooki was adopted from Chile by Italian American parents so she’s basically Italian by osmosis.
4) I’m short. Still taller than Snooki, but short all the same.
5) I used to be a vet assistant. Apparently Snooki went to vet school to be a vet tech. I can’t imagine she’d be good at expressing anal glands, however she might have had her finger in worse places than a dog’s butthole when she lived at the Shore.
6) I’m a mom. No one ever predicted that Snooki would settle down and have a baby. While I can’t say the same for me because I was never a true party girl, some days I’m still surprised that I’m somebody’s mom.
7) I’d sleep all day if allowed to. I’d give anything to be able to sleep like a teenager again. Any.Thing.
8) I have awful tattoos. There are only 2 small ones on my back but one is technically a tramp stamp and the other is often misconstrued as the wrong initial. Here are just a couple of Snooki’s.
9) Have lived with a relative as a grown-ass adult. But at least it was a long time ago and way before I ever had kids.
10) Had a tiny crush on Vinny. What can I say–it’s hard to resist a babyface.
In conclusion, I can see why Snooki became America’s Guidette–there’s something about her IDGAF attitude that is infectious–or wait, maybe that was just another one of her UTIs. Who knows!
Look forward to the top 10 ways I’m NOT like Snooki, coming soon!