The Soup is one of my favorite shows especially now that I’m a mom and have zero time for TV. It takes all the best clips from the worst TV shows and bundles them all together for your viewing pleasure. That way you don’t have to waste all of your time figuring out which Teen Mom most recently went to jail or what the Kardashian sisters are squabbling about. They bring it all to you in one concise hilarious half-hour. And that Joel McHale’s not too shabby either…what can I say I’m a sucker for a funny guy.

These stage moms are on a different level. I know we’re all proud of our little mini-me’s and want to show them off, but c’mon when your daughter is wearing booty shorts and shaking her non-existent ass on stage in front of a table of judges, there’s something seriously wrong with you. Don’t you even worry about the molester groupies who are probably attending every one of these pageants? Sitting in the back of the room with their greasy comb overs and their hands in their pockets?

The clip on The Soup showed a girl no older than four dressed in a bathing suit showcasing her best stripper moves all for what? A plastic crown and $100? It’s appalling. I wouldn’t want my daughter dressing and dancing like that if she were twenty let alone four. Yet her Momma was probably happy as a clam, clapping and dancing in step with her daughter as if she was the one to win that itchy plastic sash.

I used to like watching the Miss America pageants when I was young. Something about those glittery dresses and big hair. Nowadays I’ll be happy if my daughter doesn’t even know what a pageant is. The only contests she’s going to enter will be spelling bees and science fairs. No spray-tanning, fake teeth, or gyrating required.